i don't exist.

i am just another girl, with the long auburn hair and the smile that puts everyone in a good mood. they don't see that i see myself as so ironically flawed, losing the one thing that made me a better person. i just don't understand this sometimes, and yesterday afternoon brought it all back, if i had to guess. it's not like it ever leaves; it just sometimes buries itself within taking 21 hours. i just don't understand how i am the only one that sees the confusion in understanding how you can act like i am not in the room, laughing with your friends at a joke when i pass. you don't see how i get out of the building and walk to the secluded spot, where the trees hide the bench, and sit and want to scream because it just plain hurts.

i know you remember, because, for some reason, a part of me won't let me forget. the fall, with the music, and the winter and dancing underneath the lights on the town square, the spring when you were there for me when everything fell apart, or the summer and the rain and the waterfalls and the soaked pink satin. and this summer, with the promises of starting over and trying to forget everything i managed to tarnish. i waited, and am waiting, for something i am unsure of will ever come. i'm sorry for everything i did, and for everything i didn't do.

you can't see what you refuse to admit is still here.

so if i ramble on about how much of a idiot i am, would you talk to me?

summer. working around 50 hours a week with first and second graders. yikes. ran into some familiar faces from years ago, so that's been nice. but mainly just working and running. always good to keep yourself occupied when other things are jumbled.

your's are the sweetest eyes that i've ever seen. one day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday. 'cause i don't want this, and i don't need this. deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment. lights will guide you home and i will try to fix you. in my memory i wrote you down in ink. between both these times, i drew a really thin line. but i do know one thing, where you are is where i want to be. it's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut. there's a lack of color here. i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor, where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more. if you don't give up & don't give in, you may just be okay. forget what we're told, before we get too old. i tell you one thing we're better together. but because i knew you, i have been changed for good. i know you feel so beautifully wronged. these days begin and they don't end for weeks. i'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt.

he leaves for afghanistan in two weeks.

:-/

Currently Listening Don't You Fake It By The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus see related

she says, 'i've finally had enough...'

freshman year = done

managed to keep my 3.5 gpa, even with twenty hours, so that's good i suppose. coming home yesterday felt quite odd, i'm not used to being home and it's going to take a few days to stay here and not go to back to tech.

so if i had to sum up my freshman year....definitely a learning experience. there's been some amazing high points, but i also had a few very low points. you learn from everything, good and bad, humiliating and vindicating, so i'm just keeping my head up and moving on. made troubadours and symphony band, plyed with THE jeff coffin, and overall, ended up losing 20 pounds, with more to come. sara is single this summer, and i'm coming to be okay with it. it's just weird how people can still talk and things be okay. it's just things are just completely different from what i had expected them to be at this time this year.

and so i begin the whole 'makeover' phase.

let it begin.

<3

Currently Listening Forrest Gump By Original Soundtrack - - feather theme see related

and there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how.

i realized today that i fell back into my old ways, and this time, i lack all energy or motivation to stop myself. my head is now in a constant swim. after all, why stop what is so praised?

i hope you can look at me and remember the water in my shoes, the sunset at the barn, falling asleep on your shoulder, or the freezing wind on the playground; or your green shirt, the way the rain soaked through the pink satin, or the first dance in my gown in the frontyard, or, or....

if you haven't noticed, tonight is a good night to cry.